A proper explanation.
Note: This entry shall serve to further explain the previous two entries, as I was unwilling to share many details at the time.
I went through a rather nasty suicidal ideation phase...something we had not experienced in almost two years. Odd, really. Now it has calmed down to merely a sort of despondency. My mind is still not up to par; I believe it shall become sharper as the days turn brighter.
Two issues that we were dealing with...A friend of the boyfriend's owns an arcade. The boyfriend was close enough to this man that he allowed the boyfriend to use his computer for speedy downloads and such, as he had a very expensive computer and fast internet connection. While playing with the afore-said computer one day, the boyfriend came across graphic child pornograpy: adults with children of both sexes. We decided to call a detective with Metro, someone working in Internet Crimes Against Children division. The idea of making a statement to a detective, especially about this, was intensely triggering, and it brought many unsavory experiences back to us. However, it is necessary, as the man works closely with children.
Enough of that for now.
On to the next subject: This pastor we know, who has been counselling us for some time, decided that we needed to move swiftly towards integration. That, I believe I have told before. However, this time, he said we must give up our Mindscape and convene permenantly in one large room, as separate rooms invite evil to be done. To pacify him, I agreed, and gathered most into a large underground chamber. Those who did not agree decided to wander and make their own lives elsewhere. I hated it...I felt so utterly alone. I felt like we were but cattle. I pondered the situation, and grieved over my decision. I was not sure if I should reverse it: after all, I really try to stick with a decision once it has been made, as second-guessing oneself can waste alot of time. Then, several days later, he told me that I should regard the ones that left as "undesirables", and I should shun them.
I shall not shun one of our own.
I told him as much, and he asked me, point-blank, if I was ready to integrate, and give up my right to a separate life. I told him I was not. He told me then, in not so many words, that we would no longer be communicating until I had changed my mind.
The cheek.
I am not certain what hurt more: losing (yet another) (so-called?) friend and counsellor due to my being stubborn, or knowing that it is really rather hopeless to be accepted by anyone Outside.
I went through a rather nasty suicidal ideation phase...something we had not experienced in almost two years. Odd, really. Now it has calmed down to merely a sort of despondency. My mind is still not up to par; I believe it shall become sharper as the days turn brighter.
Two issues that we were dealing with...A friend of the boyfriend's owns an arcade. The boyfriend was close enough to this man that he allowed the boyfriend to use his computer for speedy downloads and such, as he had a very expensive computer and fast internet connection. While playing with the afore-said computer one day, the boyfriend came across graphic child pornograpy: adults with children of both sexes. We decided to call a detective with Metro, someone working in Internet Crimes Against Children division. The idea of making a statement to a detective, especially about this, was intensely triggering, and it brought many unsavory experiences back to us. However, it is necessary, as the man works closely with children.
Enough of that for now.
On to the next subject: This pastor we know, who has been counselling us for some time, decided that we needed to move swiftly towards integration. That, I believe I have told before. However, this time, he said we must give up our Mindscape and convene permenantly in one large room, as separate rooms invite evil to be done. To pacify him, I agreed, and gathered most into a large underground chamber. Those who did not agree decided to wander and make their own lives elsewhere. I hated it...I felt so utterly alone. I felt like we were but cattle. I pondered the situation, and grieved over my decision. I was not sure if I should reverse it: after all, I really try to stick with a decision once it has been made, as second-guessing oneself can waste alot of time. Then, several days later, he told me that I should regard the ones that left as "undesirables", and I should shun them.
I shall not shun one of our own.
I told him as much, and he asked me, point-blank, if I was ready to integrate, and give up my right to a separate life. I told him I was not. He told me then, in not so many words, that we would no longer be communicating until I had changed my mind.
The cheek.
I am not certain what hurt more: losing (yet another) (so-called?) friend and counsellor due to my being stubborn, or knowing that it is really rather hopeless to be accepted by anyone Outside.
posted by Logan Nambiet at
5:03 PM
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