A lack of motivation.
I just spent close to an hour--if not more--speaking in depth to a dear friend of mine. I am very fond of her, as she is intelligent and kind, and there are quite a few things we have in common. She has been a good friend of mine for a very long time.
As I posted a few days ago, I tend to lie about my well-being. And, according to the responses I recieved, this is not at all uncommon. I tried again, today, to be pleasant, and to make things seem as if all were well. Either she knows me better than most, or I lie worse than I know. She offered to listen, and I took it.
I did not mean to say as much as I did. I worry so that I may upset her, or worry her unnecessarily. At the same time, I know this is something friends do for one another. If only I were able to return the favor.
I have been feeling a deep sense of despair for quite awhile. A hopelessness, almost a feeling of emotional starvation. I feel that a part of it stems from a sudden and inexplicable faith crisis. For over a year I have held steadfast to the ideals of my faith, somethign new for me, something providing hope. The idea of salvation and resulting afterlife offers to me a guarantee of peace, of rest...and for reaons I would rather not divulge, I wonder if it applies to me at all. With that doubt now clouding my thoughts, the lingering depression grows ever-darker.
Thoughts of self-harm and suicide cling madly to me, and although I am far better than I was a month ago, I still feel apathetic toward the notions. Unfortunately, working in a construction trade gives us ample opportunity to not only use available tools, but to formulate believable excuses to explain the obvious wounds.
It is not my place to do such things. However, with therapy becoming intolerable, and with the rising pressures of both JATC classes and the impending overtime ticket at work, I am finding less of a reason to want to deal with this effectively.
As I posted a few days ago, I tend to lie about my well-being. And, according to the responses I recieved, this is not at all uncommon. I tried again, today, to be pleasant, and to make things seem as if all were well. Either she knows me better than most, or I lie worse than I know. She offered to listen, and I took it.
I did not mean to say as much as I did. I worry so that I may upset her, or worry her unnecessarily. At the same time, I know this is something friends do for one another. If only I were able to return the favor.
I have been feeling a deep sense of despair for quite awhile. A hopelessness, almost a feeling of emotional starvation. I feel that a part of it stems from a sudden and inexplicable faith crisis. For over a year I have held steadfast to the ideals of my faith, somethign new for me, something providing hope. The idea of salvation and resulting afterlife offers to me a guarantee of peace, of rest...and for reaons I would rather not divulge, I wonder if it applies to me at all. With that doubt now clouding my thoughts, the lingering depression grows ever-darker.
Thoughts of self-harm and suicide cling madly to me, and although I am far better than I was a month ago, I still feel apathetic toward the notions. Unfortunately, working in a construction trade gives us ample opportunity to not only use available tools, but to formulate believable excuses to explain the obvious wounds.
It is not my place to do such things. However, with therapy becoming intolerable, and with the rising pressures of both JATC classes and the impending overtime ticket at work, I am finding less of a reason to want to deal with this effectively.
posted by Logan Nambiet at
11:41 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home