Labels.
Asarian-host.net... (Or .com, or .org, I did not especially pay attention.) I have been recieving emails with this tag, asking if I would like free, anonymous e-mail hosting from them. I did minor research and found it is linked to dissociation, and multiplicity.
Why do people need to feed their insecurities with labels? It should not matter if we are Many or not. At all. Why would I want to openly advertise that? I fucking hate it. The influx of journals, and self-help books, and survival books, and "poor me" autobiographies, and disability forums...they astound me. Why are others obsessed with this? Some people survive their abuse only to wallow in it for decades after, refusing treatment, or becoming so focused on treatment that it hinders daily functioning. I never want to go to work in the mornings. I never want to attend school at night. I never want to function, I tire of it, and yet I do, because it is what I must do.
Perhaps I hate myself, and it is why I am pissed off at everyone else.
That, and I feel betrayed.
A "friend of a friend" or some such began e-mailing me. No worries, I like speaking to new people. This is the one who "recommended" me for the Asarian-host e-mail address. I spoke with her at length perhaps two months ago, for the first time. We exchanged alot of information, and thought it was interesting that we were Many, and asked. Again, I take no issue with that. Most ask questions. But then she began changing herself, molding herself. I did not notice at first. But now, she has suddenly turned her derealization into full-blown multiplicity, with oodles of recovered memories. All of which--both alters and memories--reflect what I have told her. At least she could have the decency to create soemthign more unique. I mean really...the cheek.
And what really angers me is this is not the first time it has happened. The Council says I need to speak more. I disagree. If anything, it should be less. You say I am programmed...perhaps I am somehow pretending myself. All of this is bullshit.
Why is it so goddamn important to be worse off than another? Why must it always be a damn contest? If I say to a fellow cutter that I needed sutures, then suddenly, they work hard to need sutures as well. If I say to another that experiences internal shifting of sorts that we lose time and are dynamic in character, then suddenly their internal processes will reflect that. If I say to an abuse survivor that our abuse was ritual in nature, and networked, then their abuse suddenly becomes as mine.
And I understand...sometimes others withhold information until they know another. That is fine. But when details do not match, or cannot be adequately given? Lies never add up. I am not so stupid as others think I am. Is there any reasoning behind competative mental illness?
Why do people need to feed their insecurities with labels? It should not matter if we are Many or not. At all. Why would I want to openly advertise that? I fucking hate it. The influx of journals, and self-help books, and survival books, and "poor me" autobiographies, and disability forums...they astound me. Why are others obsessed with this? Some people survive their abuse only to wallow in it for decades after, refusing treatment, or becoming so focused on treatment that it hinders daily functioning. I never want to go to work in the mornings. I never want to attend school at night. I never want to function, I tire of it, and yet I do, because it is what I must do.
Perhaps I hate myself, and it is why I am pissed off at everyone else.
That, and I feel betrayed.
A "friend of a friend" or some such began e-mailing me. No worries, I like speaking to new people. This is the one who "recommended" me for the Asarian-host e-mail address. I spoke with her at length perhaps two months ago, for the first time. We exchanged alot of information, and thought it was interesting that we were Many, and asked. Again, I take no issue with that. Most ask questions. But then she began changing herself, molding herself. I did not notice at first. But now, she has suddenly turned her derealization into full-blown multiplicity, with oodles of recovered memories. All of which--both alters and memories--reflect what I have told her. At least she could have the decency to create soemthign more unique. I mean really...the cheek.
And what really angers me is this is not the first time it has happened. The Council says I need to speak more. I disagree. If anything, it should be less. You say I am programmed...perhaps I am somehow pretending myself. All of this is bullshit.
Why is it so goddamn important to be worse off than another? Why must it always be a damn contest? If I say to a fellow cutter that I needed sutures, then suddenly, they work hard to need sutures as well. If I say to another that experiences internal shifting of sorts that we lose time and are dynamic in character, then suddenly their internal processes will reflect that. If I say to an abuse survivor that our abuse was ritual in nature, and networked, then their abuse suddenly becomes as mine.
And I understand...sometimes others withhold information until they know another. That is fine. But when details do not match, or cannot be adequately given? Lies never add up. I am not so stupid as others think I am. Is there any reasoning behind competative mental illness?
posted by Logan Nambiet at
11:34 PM
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