Stumbling Towards Faith.

Renee Altson gave me information regarding her book, "Stumbling Toward Faith", several months prior; I finally read it. I merely wanted to extend our appreciation, as the book was written well and it was definately something that needed to be written. I finished it in one sitting, though reading the utterly dismal situations within, I must admit I was tempted to step away briefly. It must have been exceedingly difficult to write those words, knowing that a great many others would be reading them. To endure as she did and remain stable enough to share her story is incredible. I cannot say I would necessarily have the same level of courage.

It makes me recall when a few men convinced Bruyère that we were demons inhabiting her body. At first I thought it laughable. I toyed with them, I called Christianity a virus and I denounced their God. At one point I even began agreeing with them, "admitting" I was indeed a demon. I thought they were only after me. I believe that physics Inside are not quite the same as physics Outside. In that, I mean that we do not use restrooms and bodies generally disappear once dead. Things of that nature. I remember the first time I demanded that Molly lie, and the first time Rhiannon actually looked to me for guidance.

These exorcists soon tired of dealing with me. They grew weary of my crude remarks and insults. They began to prey on the others. It was always the same line: "Demon, I demand in the name of Jesus you tell me your name." Then, "In the name of Jesus I command you to come out of the body and go back to your pit in Hell." Of course it was amusing to me, but not at all to the small ones, and I can empathize. I insisted they do not reveal their true names, and I even read logs of exorcists and found that most demons are named after sin, such as "Lust", "Suicide", or "Rage". I took a massive list of these and posted it near the Gate so that anyone finding themself in that situation can give an appropriate name. Then, as the pastor commanded them to go, they ran to the saferoom. It seemed to work.

Seth pretended to cause himself to shatter. Jude and Molly formed a "safety team" and called themselves "Sneak". They kept each other safe, as they were too frightened to be alone. I remember the pleading look in Rhiannon's eyes, her trembling hands as she imaged me visciously, "HELP ME".

There was so much chaos. That is when I began to lose my hold. It is when I began my descent. Except that now, I am uncertain that I can fully recover. Things will never return to as they were. There is always that fear, some have a disdain for religion. Even now I close my eyes and wonder.