Finally, a return.
I can scarcely believe it has been a year, already. Several weeks ago I realized this, and set to work on transferring this journal here from another site. It was quite the test of patience, but it is complete, and all is well in that regard. As for this, my first entry upon return, it will not be an entry that chronicles the past year. I find that to be a waste and it would be too long for anyone to ever desire to read it. Instead, I shall begin today's as if there were no hiatus, and if ever there is a need for explanation in the time lost, I shall provide it at that time.
Suffice it to say that the decision handed down to cease in aiding the Host was a severe blow to my psyche and my pride. To stand idly by and do nothing was close to intolerable. Although my duties can be exceedingly difficult and dealing with her as I do can be trying, I felt empty otherwise.
What I am dealing with now is a sense of loss. When I first surrendered myself to God in deciding to become a Christian, I felt a sense that things would change for me. I suppose I had that faith of a child He so desires. I yearned for a change, and a sense of forthcoming redemption. I tried to conform and to please Him in so many ways, and yet, it is never enough. I am not changed, not really so much as I should be. I feel that the religion aspect does little for me. I read the Bible and the words are hollow.
I have not lost faith. I do not doubt He exists, and I do nout doubt His omnipotence, not for a moment. I do not doubt He is a God of love, or mercy, or grace. I do not doubt the power of prayer. What I feel I have lost is my relationship with Him; I wonder even if I ever had one. I want to think I did, at one time; but if that were true, how to retrieve it? Instead I feel that His salvation does not apply to me. That not only am I unforgiven, but that I was not made in His image. And therefore, his mercy does not apply to me.
That is not to say I have abandoned my beliefs completely. I still pray for friends and family as I see appropriate. I look onto nature and see His presence. It is simply that I beleive my faith has shifted. I cannot say I am entirely comfortable or happy in that.
Suffice it to say that the decision handed down to cease in aiding the Host was a severe blow to my psyche and my pride. To stand idly by and do nothing was close to intolerable. Although my duties can be exceedingly difficult and dealing with her as I do can be trying, I felt empty otherwise.
What I am dealing with now is a sense of loss. When I first surrendered myself to God in deciding to become a Christian, I felt a sense that things would change for me. I suppose I had that faith of a child He so desires. I yearned for a change, and a sense of forthcoming redemption. I tried to conform and to please Him in so many ways, and yet, it is never enough. I am not changed, not really so much as I should be. I feel that the religion aspect does little for me. I read the Bible and the words are hollow.
I have not lost faith. I do not doubt He exists, and I do nout doubt His omnipotence, not for a moment. I do not doubt He is a God of love, or mercy, or grace. I do not doubt the power of prayer. What I feel I have lost is my relationship with Him; I wonder even if I ever had one. I want to think I did, at one time; but if that were true, how to retrieve it? Instead I feel that His salvation does not apply to me. That not only am I unforgiven, but that I was not made in His image. And therefore, his mercy does not apply to me.
That is not to say I have abandoned my beliefs completely. I still pray for friends and family as I see appropriate. I look onto nature and see His presence. It is simply that I beleive my faith has shifted. I cannot say I am entirely comfortable or happy in that.
posted by Logan Nambiet at
7:12 PM
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