The Halo of the Spiral.

Drinking chocolate milk--a guilty pleasure--and listening to an incredibly calming jazz band called Paris Combo. (The words are in French, but it matters not to us...I would reccomend them to anyone.) We are trying to come together, trying to make sense of what has occured recently, in regards to the sudden flashbacks and suicidal ideation.

I am in the midst of pondering many things this evening. I had been caught in the Halo of the Spiral for quite some time. It is odd, because I did not wish to appear weak in discussing the issues. I used to be brash and violent, but at least I was not weak, then. I allowed no unnecessary silliness, no weeping, no complaining. Now I find that is often what I do, myself.

The Halo of the Spiral may be difficult to explain. I am not certain if it is something that occurs solely in this Collective, or all systems, or in singletons, as well. It is a vacuum-like force that pulls one into an ever-sickening slough of despondancy. It causes that sinking feeling of despair, that soft acknowledgement that it may never get any better. It delivers one into the deepest and most merciless, dripping cavern of depression. This Halo of the Spiral has no beginning or ending, but rather keeps its grip, so one cannot escape. The Host likens it to Cygnus X-1, a black hole, except that we see it Inside: its luminescence is misleading, I assure you. Imagine a brilliant mist the color of the most radiant sunshine, shape it into the slit of an eye, the cast the remnants about it much like a tornado. That is the Halo of the Spiral.

I am not certain why it is so lovely, and I am not certain why I was so easily lured into it this time. I do know, however, that it has lost its grip, and I am able to think more clearly. My thanks to a very dear friend...who has since returned, safe and well.