Sauvagerie.

That is the word for "savagery", a word used often by Dixhuit to politely describe a period of time in our life. Why this is affecting me so suddenly now, I am unsure.

I am fighting fiercely to contain myself, to keep the rage and grief at bay. I appear to be failing dismally. I have been doing so well: I was content, supportive, gentile...or so I thought myself to be.

Something struck us hard this morning, a blow equivilent to a Peterbilt striking us at full-speed. Being Guardian Protector, I am required to stand tall and take this; I do the best I am able with what resources I have. I am incredibly fatigued...too often this comes back to haunt us. Why is it that no one will help me? Why is it I am destined to go at this alone?

Throughout the years we were abused, no one incident lingered in the mind. It was a constant blur of abuse and neglect. I do not pretend that we were not affected by each and every incident.

However, it was the first miscarriage that we were forced to endure alone, at school, that is clawing at me now. The injustice of it all...knowing full-well that justice is a farce.

Being that we are Christian, we believe God creates all life. Supposing this, why is it He allowed a child to be created through the violence of incest, only to be taken three months later via miscarriage? And why inflict this on a child of thirteen years?

It boggles the mind.

I thought we had conquered this. I know not why I am succumbing to the old and ever-familiar desire to hurt.

My apologies, in that I am ceasing to make any sense whatsoever.