The aftermath.

It was a pure and burning anguish…I wondered if I was finally going to see my mortality come to a sudden end.

Then we found Rane. She was an absolute mess. In a deep panic, hysterical.
She knew we needed her; she knew something had gone completely wrong. She did not know, however, that Bastien had integrated, and this was all thrown upon her.

She is still a child…it was terrible to behold.

She was holding so much herself. I sat close to her, and touched her softly. I tried to take some for her. I tried to ease her pain. I do not know how, but she transferred it to me. And my God…I never knew such molten agony. I knew Zephyr should have taken the helm. I almost wished she would have. Perhaps she did…I know I lost reason as Niven tried to even it out. And when I awoke…it was vicious. Abject terror, thrust deep to the core. I could barely speak, my thoughts failed me. I knew it was just a matter of relearning how to deal with it…yet it had been so long. I was delirious, confused, dizzy…and so very vulnerable. I wanted to weep and be held …the need was consuming. I felt weak, worthless, and all I could do is try to help Rane and Niven, who were in pain too. And my small ones…I panicked when I could not find them.

I let so few raw emotions show. it is catching up with me.

All the times I took abuse for others, I made certain they would not see my fear. I took it with anger instead. I gritted my teeth and screamed in fury. I told those Inside that I took it because I was strong. I hid that fear, and I was not strong. My God, it hurt so deeply. I did not cry. They wanted me to cry. They hurt me, to see me cry. I did not give them the satisfaction. Had I cried, perhaps they would have stopped.

And then Rane told us that the Spires are built off of it. The emotions, the sensations, all of it. The Spires are "built" off of the tangible aspects of the emotions and sensations.

Fucking Rowan. He could have told us, instead of shutting everyone else out.

I sent both Rane and Jude to see Rowan, to find out why he closed the Spires, knowing that they were the key to the transfer.

Rowan is a Guardian...not Guardian Protector. His only duty is for his small ones. If the Host were dying, it would be none of his concern, realistically. Nonetheless, we needed his help, too. Rowan knew that what Bastien held was supposed to be given to the Spires.

Rane, in her panic, did not know what to do, as she had only seen a transfer once.
Bastien's job was to collect all the discarded or redundant emotions and sensations. They needed to be re-categorized.

Once he carried enough comfortably, he would transfer them to the Spires, as Rane transferred them to me. However, she only saw one transfer, so she did not know what to do when it fell upon her at once.

The ordeal…we are all still recovering. Sometimes I truly wish that such vital information were privy to us all.