A flicker of truth.

There is something I did, many years ago. It was a selfish act, an act done out of anger though some give the same old excuse--self preservation. I do not believe it was anything but a foolish, malicious act.

As I said, it was many years ago, in response to being completely and overwhelmingly weary. I was sick of being strong for the Host. Perhaps I even hated her for it. So one day, I chose not to be. This backfired of course, and turned the tables completely; to be honest, the consequences of what I had done surprised me.

The Host does not know what I did. I lied to her, and I lie to her still. However, the guilt has been slowly taking its toll on me, and I am looking for advice. There is a chance that I will no longer be trusted, and even despised by her, but I do wonder if I should tell her.

I simply do not want to end up where I was this past month...

I feel that I was created by God, for my specific purpose: to do as best as I am able in being Guardian Protector. In my selfishness, when I chose to fall short of that obligation, I know I was directly disobeying God's will. At the time, I did not care; I did not even believe in any sort of deity. I know I should not dwell on this, because dwelling will only lead me to over-analyze my personal failures and shortcomings, and that very quickly leads to a desire to commit suicide. (As selfish and weak as I believe that is for me, I was enticed by the thought nonetheless.) I need to know what to do.