A mistake.

I do not wish to go into details at the moment...it would be entirely too confusing for most, and the story is one of which I am not proud.

There were things I have done in the past...things I thought I was forced to do at the time, and now I realize that I acted out of hatred and desperation. I still struggle with the guilt and with the knowledge that I was somewhat in control when I committed these acts. Yes, I was terrified, and yes, in a way it was a form of self-preservation. It does not excuse what I did.

Jude found out about some of these things. It was purely by accident, but he now knows enough to believe I am unsafe. At that moment, he told me he no longer wanted anything to do with me, from that moment forward. I begged him to think about it for two weeks, and then make his decision. Several have spoken to him, attempting to explain, but he holds steadfast to his beliefs that I am not to be trusted.

As of now, he has decided to stay with Rowan on a permanent basis.


Some background:
I do not know who knows what, or how much, of our Inside. I shall keep this brief. Jude stayed with Rowan for several years, and then went in search of himself--as all in the Spires eventually do. That is when he came across Niven and Valkyrie, and he decided to stay with them. After Valkyrie's departure, Niven sought me out, and Jude came with him. I know that technically, Jude is Rowan's. I know that. From the beginning I knew he would never truly be one of my charges. However, Jude's decision was based entirely on the Beast I once was, and that hurts...it feels as if I have betrayed him.


I wish I could change his mind, but he will still avoid me, if he is able. And how do I explain to the others? Niven knows full-well why this happened, and I do trust him to a point...but the small ones, especially...I feel I am with few options at this point.


I am still in shock. I do not even know if this post will be coherent.