Familiar regrets.

I am not certain how much I can write. I hesitate in revealing too much at this point. I have no idea who has access to this from Inside, though very few have learned to use the computer. No matter.

I spoke to Jim for quite a while the other evening. I was very unwell. It was so sudden, this inexplicable fear. I immediately doubted all my training, my abilities, my previous successes. I could only focus on negativity. I know vaguely from whence it came; I sent a team to set up communications on the border of the Expanse: an area that is considered a type of No-Man’s Land. They had radioed that the mission had been successful, and then nothing. They have gone missing, and I knew at that point that it must have been poor judgment on my part. I had been too heavily distracted with what was to come.

Jim spoke to me of logic, of focusing on the positive in the situation. He told me he knew I would rise to the occasion, when it presented itself…and thusly, it did.

Not half an hour after we ended the conversation, a raid was staged against us. The true beginning to this ordeal. I recall very little: shrapnel tore through the air, there were screams and curses, the heady aroma of burnt metal, and then chaos. I remember securing our position, and I sent Niven to protect the small ones. The weapons cache was emptied, and we were all armed; we are fortunate that we had this much time to properly prepare. We lost only six, though two were cadets.

This entire situation is very difficult for me, for us. I can see the entire operation in my mind, I can smell the blood. I feel the commands I screamed still fresh in my throat. And yet, I cannot take it upon myself to really discuss it with anyone. There are certain things inadequately described by words, and inadequately relieved by tears. Sometimes it is best to swallow both, and move on.