Struggling in this.
Things are going quite poorly. I am trying to remain intact, but it seems that this bullshit never ends. I am positive many would agree, or at least understand.
Last night, I was not myself. I did something unspeakable, something I feel I should regret, but i am not certain I do. I acted out of rage, I acted on a desire for retaliation. It was wrong, I admit that. But would I do it again, if the situation presented itself? Likely, yes.
I do recall, afterwards, I went ballistic with the scalpel blade. I did not even want to immediately wash myself of the blood, except that my fingers were sticking together and it annoyed me. Now I stare at the gaping wounds I created. If you ask me, that was not the act of a guardian, or of a protector. I wonder why I do this.
It is almost a year that I became a Christian, though few would know that by my actions. I have not changed, really, I have only hidden darker facets of myself away. I am in shock, and I am admittedly terrified. I do not know how to handle all of this. The only way I knew, from before, is so completely wrong. I cannot be that way again. I will not allow it. And yet, what other choice is there?
I feel that no one can relate, fully. I know that assumptions should never be made, but something holds me steadfast and does not allow me to discuss these internal happenings. I have made hints, I have given broad statements, but I feel very alone in this. However, there are friends of mine who are always supportive, always willing to listen, and I am ever-grateful. Sometimes I am sure they understand more than I realize. That does not keep me from wanting to walk away from all this, give up, surrender. And then the reality of that thought strikes me, and I know I cannot.
I know in my heart, I really believe that God will not give us more than we are able to handle. Sometimes, however, I think He believes I am stronger than I really am. I cannot take much more of this. The carefully crafted shell of stoicism and strength I have wrought is slowly crumbling away, and I am really worried for what may come.
Last night, I was not myself. I did something unspeakable, something I feel I should regret, but i am not certain I do. I acted out of rage, I acted on a desire for retaliation. It was wrong, I admit that. But would I do it again, if the situation presented itself? Likely, yes.
I do recall, afterwards, I went ballistic with the scalpel blade. I did not even want to immediately wash myself of the blood, except that my fingers were sticking together and it annoyed me. Now I stare at the gaping wounds I created. If you ask me, that was not the act of a guardian, or of a protector. I wonder why I do this.
It is almost a year that I became a Christian, though few would know that by my actions. I have not changed, really, I have only hidden darker facets of myself away. I am in shock, and I am admittedly terrified. I do not know how to handle all of this. The only way I knew, from before, is so completely wrong. I cannot be that way again. I will not allow it. And yet, what other choice is there?
I feel that no one can relate, fully. I know that assumptions should never be made, but something holds me steadfast and does not allow me to discuss these internal happenings. I have made hints, I have given broad statements, but I feel very alone in this. However, there are friends of mine who are always supportive, always willing to listen, and I am ever-grateful. Sometimes I am sure they understand more than I realize. That does not keep me from wanting to walk away from all this, give up, surrender. And then the reality of that thought strikes me, and I know I cannot.
I know in my heart, I really believe that God will not give us more than we are able to handle. Sometimes, however, I think He believes I am stronger than I really am. I cannot take much more of this. The carefully crafted shell of stoicism and strength I have wrought is slowly crumbling away, and I am really worried for what may come.
posted by Logan Nambiet at
10:21 PM
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