A hatred inside.

I have spent time in the past day or so filing combat-related documents, and I came upon a few releases saved from interrogations. I feel torn with this aspect of my past as I deeply regret many of those actions, and yet I do not know if I would act any different now, in the same situation. It is a sterling truth that a man will likely do anything in his power to keep himself safe. Being safe and feeling safe are interwoven; one can be safe and feel unsafe, and the terror is the same. When I conducted many of those interrogations I felt unsafe, I felt invaded when in fact we were experiencing an invasion. Some say I acted out of desperation or a driving will to persevere. I wish it were so. However I believe there was an ounce of malice therein, something sinister hiding away in my demeanor. I could have been firm without resorting to cruelty. And I say that now, fully cognizant of my current situation and the situations in the past, I say that knowing full-well the consequences and I wonder if that would stop me from doing it again. Would I have the self-control to limit my actions? Or would I succumb to Mjollnir's way and give in to the darkest thoughts? I never want to be in that postion again; no one shopuld have to make such a decision. So many say that, if put in a position to choose their own life over another's, it would be simple: their own. But to conciously and actively make that decision and go through with it is something that deadens a soul just a little, and that bright spark fades only minutely, but it does fade. Making those decisions consistantly can erase a man's soul to such a point that the spark flickers and winks out completely and it happens, I assure you. I have seen it, dead men milling about, speaking in lowered tones and always fidgeting. The men who speak with their teeth driven deep into the filters of their cigarettes, the men who can never again fully rest with the knowledge their worn hearts now hold. I do not want to be that man, and I intend to keep that sense of self within me.