Hidden pasts.
A bit of background information is in order:
I am not positive what I have told in this journal, and what remains to be said, so this may be old news to some. We were raised German until 1988, when things got out of control and we were placed elsewhere. This was at age nine. I am really condensing this, as the details are of little matter, but the point is that we were placed for adoption a few years later, and finally adopted in January of 1993. That was at age fourteen.
It is unspoken in the family, but understood that no mention is to be made of the biological family, partly due to the desire not to cause hurt feelings. (Mentioning the biological family is, in a way, insinuating that the adoptive family is not the "real" family.) In all honesty, I see facts as facts. There is no "real" family; there is the biological family and the adoptive family. I wonder if it would not be so awkward if the body were not so cognizant when the adoption took place. It is difficult to forget a life before the age of nine...or before the age of fourteen, for that matter.
The Host has a Baby-book, documenting milestones and whatnot from birth to age seven. I noticed she spent much time looking at the family tree, looking at pictures of family that are, in essence, no longer family. I sense she misses them, even though the situation was most dysfunctional. Her thoughts have been leaning toward her forgotten heritage: she has been trying to remember German, for instance. She has also been telling stories of the past, such as how the biological father felt when the Berlin wall fell, and he was able to see family he had not seen since he was a child. How he and his sister were affected in the weeks before the Berlin wall was finalized. How he and his sister went off one morning to school, at ages eight and fourteen, with a change of clothes in their knapsacks, and stowed away upon a ship to America. She is enthralled at these stories, and looks back at them, wanting to know more. And yet, I wonder how many are true…the biological father had years of "electro-shock therapy", and forgot large chunks of his life.
I know history cannot be erased; and I know this is a facet of her life she wishes to explore. I am torn between urging her to do so, and reminding her that this was the family that helped with so much of the abuse. She is so afraid to talk to the adoptive family about it, so as to not draw attention to the fact that she is not really "theirs".
It is really quite confusing...a change in name, a change in culture, a change in life itself, and done at such an age where it is easy to recall those things before the change. These are facts. And as it is impossible to erase history, it is also impossible to favor one life over the other, if you will. One day, she was German, with family in Germany, France and Spain. The next day, she was of Scottish-American heritage, with a new name and birth certificate to match. Even though it was a good thing, it is still a stressful event.
I am rambling really...my point is this: is it wrong to want to reconnect with the past, when such a past is dangerous? And, would it be improper to speak to the adoptive family about these feelings, when it would really not help anything at all?
I am not positive what I have told in this journal, and what remains to be said, so this may be old news to some. We were raised German until 1988, when things got out of control and we were placed elsewhere. This was at age nine. I am really condensing this, as the details are of little matter, but the point is that we were placed for adoption a few years later, and finally adopted in January of 1993. That was at age fourteen.
It is unspoken in the family, but understood that no mention is to be made of the biological family, partly due to the desire not to cause hurt feelings. (Mentioning the biological family is, in a way, insinuating that the adoptive family is not the "real" family.) In all honesty, I see facts as facts. There is no "real" family; there is the biological family and the adoptive family. I wonder if it would not be so awkward if the body were not so cognizant when the adoption took place. It is difficult to forget a life before the age of nine...or before the age of fourteen, for that matter.
The Host has a Baby-book, documenting milestones and whatnot from birth to age seven. I noticed she spent much time looking at the family tree, looking at pictures of family that are, in essence, no longer family. I sense she misses them, even though the situation was most dysfunctional. Her thoughts have been leaning toward her forgotten heritage: she has been trying to remember German, for instance. She has also been telling stories of the past, such as how the biological father felt when the Berlin wall fell, and he was able to see family he had not seen since he was a child. How he and his sister were affected in the weeks before the Berlin wall was finalized. How he and his sister went off one morning to school, at ages eight and fourteen, with a change of clothes in their knapsacks, and stowed away upon a ship to America. She is enthralled at these stories, and looks back at them, wanting to know more. And yet, I wonder how many are true…the biological father had years of "electro-shock therapy", and forgot large chunks of his life.
I know history cannot be erased; and I know this is a facet of her life she wishes to explore. I am torn between urging her to do so, and reminding her that this was the family that helped with so much of the abuse. She is so afraid to talk to the adoptive family about it, so as to not draw attention to the fact that she is not really "theirs".
It is really quite confusing...a change in name, a change in culture, a change in life itself, and done at such an age where it is easy to recall those things before the change. These are facts. And as it is impossible to erase history, it is also impossible to favor one life over the other, if you will. One day, she was German, with family in Germany, France and Spain. The next day, she was of Scottish-American heritage, with a new name and birth certificate to match. Even though it was a good thing, it is still a stressful event.
I am rambling really...my point is this: is it wrong to want to reconnect with the past, when such a past is dangerous? And, would it be improper to speak to the adoptive family about these feelings, when it would really not help anything at all?
posted by Logan Nambiet at
11:17 PM
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