Abstaining, completely.

I doubt that the title of this post is what anyone expects it to mean. I mean that I have abstained from abstinance, I have lost myself completely to the beginnings of my old ways. I recall my post on singletons and the necessity of checks and balances, as it were, in a person. I wish at times I were so equipped.

I am not certain if it is the residual stress giving by the Reformatory, or my own weakness, or the social acceptance Outside, now, of these things in particular, which will remain unnamed. I know only that I had done well for years in abstaining and for the past month, really, I decided I no longer care. Malcolm had a hand in this, but I shall take responsibility for my own actions. In the past week or so I have decided to make a conscious effort to remain calm, to look toward my strength and to what gives me strength but I feel I am losing those who have built me up. Of course this is my doing, but I worry it is so far gone that I cannot mend it.

What I despise the most is that I cannot seem to bring myself out of this. For years, and I keep severing ties, and those I do not sever intentionally are being broken unintentionally. Why I do this I do not know. i just wish I would have the mindfulness to end that behavior, now.