Mild desolation.

We are all weary. No one wants to fight any longer. Therefore, I try to negotiate. The problem remains that as men, we do not want to give anything up; we want the other side to surrender completely, and that will not happen. Further, I have felt for some time that this has become meaningless; I send my small ones away to safety while I make decisions that decide the fate of us all, and for what? They return, still, and nothing has changed. I have spent much time going over negotiations that will never work and truces that will never hold. I fear that I have found myself in a situation with no real solution.

My feelings of loss regarding faith persist, but not in the deep sense I felt originally. There remains only a dull ache, a reminder, and although I do not believe that there is no God, I believe that perhaps He is not for me. Not against me, either, but that perhaps I am inconsequential. It is something I need to speak about with a senior pastor, I believe, but am too afraid of his answer to actually go through with it. A part of me would rather doubt and wonder, than to know for certain and have lost hope.

I have few words. I am told I should not focus this journal on the goings-on of the Host or of Outside but rather of Nambiet. I do try. I find instead that it is easier to do otherwise.