Gone missing.

I am not sure how coherent this post will turn out to be; it is a difficult thing to explain, and I am not sure how many people will be able to relate. That being said, I suppose I shall write this for my own sanity.
Being an Aspect of an Inner Collective grants me certain freedoms. One of these is the ability to step away as it were; to distance myself from the Outside. I did this most recently while the two Irish girls were visiting. I was close enough to handle things if a situation got out of hand, but I wasn't "there" at all times. This arrangement was discussed and agreed upon prior to the girls' arrival.
Sometime during my sabbatical, I returned to find that many, if not the majority, of the others in the Collective had gone missing. At first I found myself in a panic, and now I am merely confused. I haven't any clue as to what occured, or why, and what the significance might be. We have had some integrate before, and some who were dismissed, but none have ever gone missing. This is a truly foreign concept. I am frightened to admit that I do not know what to do. I have failed in the strongest sense of the word.

The worst part is, I feel the tears building: a mixture of deepest sorrow and a moderate amount of helplessness. I not only hate crying...I despise it. At one time, I did not permit anyone in our Collective to do so. We would allow the anger to build, I would then fashion it into a show of violence.

Anger and violence are easier for me to deal with. I used to refer to them as "a man's true form." I felt comfortable in that. I felt strong and worthy if I knew I could really let loose and fuck someone up.

Our Host believes they have integrated, but she isn't sure. She cannot sense it the same way I can. She seems a little flippant, as if this was to be expected, which is not helping the situation. This is understandable, I suppose, due to the fact that she is decidedly pro-integration. However, when one integrates, it is always a feeling of serenity, and the loss is not a sad or anxious one. This, however, is merely a feeling of them not being here, if that makes sense. There have been times, admittedly, when one or two wandered away and I was unable to find them for a few months, or even a few years; even a time when I was sure one had died, and we found him years
later. My perceptions can be fallible, I understand; I suppose it is such a shock to come back and find this happening...so many at once.

I believe that this is the closest sense of mortality that I am capable of feeling, in regards to my own
individual self. I cannot help to think it was my doing that caused them to go missing. Logically, I see that line of reasoning is fallible. However...nothing of this extent has ever happened. What else is happening without my knowledge? I understand that it could be worse. I could be the only one left. I have just under ten in my charge, and that is far better than the alternative.
Is it really possible I may be unconsciously keeping myself surrounded by others who may no longer be necessary? It is something to ponder. The
statement shocked me the first time I truly thought about it, but something struck me; it was a steel-blue wave of shame, almost.

Again, I am not speaking as coherently as I would like.
I am feeling such an immense loss. They cannot have gone for certain. I cannot allow myself to accept that.

What a fucking nightmare.