New claims.

Truth be told, things are very frantic Inside, and even with Niven's help I am finding it difficult to remain focused. I hate days like this.

Part of the reason I decided to create a website was to keep everything in order. I am obsessive about having things just-so; anyone who knows me will attest to that. I find it nearly impossible to keep everyone documented, as things shift rapidly and facts change. For the most part, however, I am able to keep the basics down. I posted a day or so ago about the differences in realities between some of us and the Host. The more I looked into it, the more disturbed I felt about it all. Niven and I conducted casual interviews, asking questions about the past. Simple things, such as what I mentioned before: where we grew up, day-to-day living, and the like. Both of us found that certain members of our Collective not only had vastly different information about those subjects, but rather troubling information about most everything else, as well. These particular members are ones that are rarely out, and spend much time sleeping or wandering.

I will admit right now that I absolutely despise the idea that I was ever helpless or ignorant in abusive situations. I like to think that I was always available, always knowledgeable of what occurred and with whom. Granted, this is a lie; of course I was not privy to everything. However, Niven and I discovered that there may have been much more that I was unaware of.

Nicholas is one of our small ones who spends most of his time sleeping. He related incidents of group-led sadistic abuse, and symbols and words I had only acknowledged fleetingly prior. It would have occurred in or around the time that Molly came to us; Of course I want to deny this knowledge, but we have very little memories between the body's age of four and eight. It is not that nothing happened of significance, but that there is nothing there. It is interesting to note that the first rape endured occurred at age four, and what we consider the advent of the true ritual abuse began at age nine. And no memories--good or bad--in between.

The main problem with this is that once Nicholas tried to mention specifics in any capacity, he was rendered asleep or deeply confused immediately. it was almost as if it were a safety mechanism for him. I figured that it was because he was small, and yet a few others who told of similar experiences were rendered the same way. There were two who not only denied these stories, but all stories of abuse, or rituals, or Shadows. they were the only two able to speak calmly and coherently throughout the interviews. In fact, they tried to explain that the Shadows were benign helpers from the Spirit-World, which I know is absolute bullshit. I am not frightened; one cannot be frightened of something that has yet to be uncovered or understood. I am bewildered, however, and apprehensive. I worry that continuing to unravel this might hurt us somehow, might undo the hard we work have put into making ourself functional. I worry what I have yet to know. I worry that our third psychiatrist was right, and her assessment of "programming" or mind-control were correct. I know that is the theory behind the wars, but I have effectively denied that for quite some time.

I refuse to dwell on this, but I am not sure as to what I can do to help or further this need to discover if there is truth in these new claims. Claims that, oddly, I am not surprised about, and that, oddly, I feel an urge to quietly ignore them, and pretend I never heard anything about them.