Bourbon and a cigarette.

Both calm me; perhaps not the healthiest way to achieve calm, but it works, nonetheless. I was wound so tightly within myself, and within the situations arising Inside that I completely forgot the need to relax.

Sometimes, taking a step back from a particular situation opens the mind for new ideas. That is what I lack, now. I lack innovation, and I am not certain if that comes from a love of familiarity or an inability to change. I do know, however, that I must learn to adapt, I must learn to compromise. It is the purpose of our (Inner) Parliament, is it not? We must learn to give and take in accordance with our needs and the needs or our counterparts. We, as Nambiet, cannot thrive until we learn cooperation and solidarity.

Sometimes...I hesitate to admit this...I hold steadfast to the comforting idea that I am the only one who knows what is best for our Collective. It feels safer to me to be in control. When others suggest an idea, or dare implement it, I grow agitated. I would like to say that it has nothing to do with my feelings toward percieved ineptitude on their part, but I cannot be certain. Why else would I react so strongly?

There is also the very intense threat--real or imagined--that in relinquishing certain powers I may be made redundant. I am grossly aware of my own mortality, then. I learned last year that I could not possibly take on so much responsibility any longer, and I enlisted Niven's help in the matter of caring for the small ones. He is better suited, really. I must learn to step away. I must learn to trust the judgement of others. I must learn to accept that I am not the Watcher of All, but rather, I am merely One of Many...I have my prescribed duties and I cannot control how and when the sun rises, as much as I would desire to do so.

This may seem trivial to most, but it is a grand revelation to me. One that I have side-stepped a few times, and run from far too often. It is one deserving a moment to ponder. And thusly, I shall go.