Erratic.

There is something else, as well: a loss of connection. I have changed, to be honest...in some ways the changes are subtle and in other ways I scarcely recognize myself as the man I once was. I left the BUS forum months ago with a dread and trepidation that kept me awake and alert, if anything else; I was unsure what I would face and yet I was eager to destroy anything that had the poor taste to confront me.

And I did...even moreso, I enjoyed it.

A few months later I re-subscribed. I soon found that I had little energy to post, and even less motivation to respond. I read the posts to the forum, and even formulate responses as I do so...yet, nothing comes of it.

There is a void deep within me. It is not a form of despondency, really, or grief, or rage or loathing. It is more akin to a loss of myself. I feel I have lost the thin and fragile connection I thought I once held to members of that forum and it is no one's fault but my own, I assure you.

I would like to attempt to reconnect. I should like to force myself to respond to that forum's influx of e-mail and, when I am able, I believe it would behoove me to release some of my own thoughts onto the forum, as well. It seems so very long ago that I was able to post almost effortlessly. And now...now I read what I receive and become overwhelmed or uncertain, and instead of trying to overcome, I simply close the browser window. As you can see, it has become that way for this journal, as well.

As I mentioned previously, I have changed. I dare not share in what way; I dare not divulge the evil my soul hides so well. Yet perhaps I can learn to co-exist with my dark-half.

I digress.

I do apologize for my erratic behavior here as of late. I intend to improve on that. In the meantime, I thought it was time I gave an explanation.

Be well, all.