Pondering despite this.

I caught myself thinking in unsavory things last evening. I am really uncertain as to how I even found myself on the subject, but instead of turning it to something positive I used it as an excuse to cut. I had been feeling the urge hiding against me all day, for seemingly no reason. Nothing had triggered it to begin with, and while I know this is not uncommon, I still wondered at it.

I did not cause any permanent damage: scarring, of course, will be the end result but there was nothing further. It was deeper than I would have liked, and more blood than I am used to presently. Furthermore, I feel responsible for a friend's cutting, as well; I was speaking with her online when the urge overcame me, and she knew what I was doing because the length of time it took for me to reply to her, and because my grammar slips significantly when I am concentrating on injuring the self. I feel I should have lied, now. At any rate, she said I gave her a heart attack (figuratively) and then cut, as well, though I did not immediately know that then. I know that I am not directly responsible for her actions, but indirectly I believe I definitely aided.

I do not want that to occur again. I know I cannot stop the cutting immediately, and although I claim to want to, I am not certain it is the truth. In order to keep friends from harming themselves due to my carelessness, however, I am looking for ways to stay distracted.