Something to investigate.
One of the small ones, Molly, told a pastor of ours a secret. It was something I had no prior knowledge of, and when I was told, he made it clear that Molly had asked him to tell me not to be angry at her.
This disturbs me; what would cause her to be frightened of my reaction? Why hadn't she come to me first? It is why I exist.
Aside from that, this "secret" truly startled me. At first I was in denial, though it is something I have suspected for years. It makes too much sense. It negates my individuality, somehow, and I cannot stand feeling out of control. I need stability in my self, at very least. Now I am confused by this, even saddened. Rage was my first emotion, after denial; rage no longer suits me, as it accomplishes nothing. Even then, I realized that my reaction played heavily into the scenario itself. Like a marionette, a string is pulled and I jump.
I feel unable to discuss this completely. Even with choice words, it may come to be too much. Most have their secrets, their fears, the one thing one cannot tell another soul, or even admit to oneself. In that, we are bound together.
How did I not see this? I kept a constant vigil...such a careful watch. And yet it was carried out with no resistance. Now, in retrospect, I know I should have seen it. So obvious, so glaring were the clues...did I want to overlook this? Was it something so unbearable to me at the time, that I allowed it, so as to not incur confrontation?
There is no reason to think Molly a liar. Everything she has said thus far in relation to our past has been absolute in its truthfulness. I am proud of her for coming forward. I merely wish it did not implicate me as a failure.
I wish I knew what to believe...at times it makes perfect sense, and at times it seems so fantastical, something from a poorly-written horror movie. Something not even released to theatres, but sent straight to one of the "other networks" for a showing in the dead of night.
I do not want this knowledge; it frightens me, nauseates me. I feel the familiar dark desire, even though I know it is dangerous.
Damn this self-pity. And damn them: may they be dispatched violently to Hell for their trouble.
This disturbs me; what would cause her to be frightened of my reaction? Why hadn't she come to me first? It is why I exist.
Aside from that, this "secret" truly startled me. At first I was in denial, though it is something I have suspected for years. It makes too much sense. It negates my individuality, somehow, and I cannot stand feeling out of control. I need stability in my self, at very least. Now I am confused by this, even saddened. Rage was my first emotion, after denial; rage no longer suits me, as it accomplishes nothing. Even then, I realized that my reaction played heavily into the scenario itself. Like a marionette, a string is pulled and I jump.
I feel unable to discuss this completely. Even with choice words, it may come to be too much. Most have their secrets, their fears, the one thing one cannot tell another soul, or even admit to oneself. In that, we are bound together.
How did I not see this? I kept a constant vigil...such a careful watch. And yet it was carried out with no resistance. Now, in retrospect, I know I should have seen it. So obvious, so glaring were the clues...did I want to overlook this? Was it something so unbearable to me at the time, that I allowed it, so as to not incur confrontation?
There is no reason to think Molly a liar. Everything she has said thus far in relation to our past has been absolute in its truthfulness. I am proud of her for coming forward. I merely wish it did not implicate me as a failure.
I wish I knew what to believe...at times it makes perfect sense, and at times it seems so fantastical, something from a poorly-written horror movie. Something not even released to theatres, but sent straight to one of the "other networks" for a showing in the dead of night.
I do not want this knowledge; it frightens me, nauseates me. I feel the familiar dark desire, even though I know it is dangerous.
Damn this self-pity. And damn them: may they be dispatched violently to Hell for their trouble.
posted by Logan Nambiet at
6:07 PM
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