Wanting the ordinary.
I feel a longing for normalcy. Surprised? I am, I suppose. What is normal, anyway? Two incidents occured today...
The first time the body raped, the body was around four years old. It dislocated the hips, and to this day they will intermittently become dislodged. Today at work, having just stepped down from a ladder, the left hip dislocated. Aside from being terribly painful--unable to walk, stand straight, or move effectively--it was incredibly embarrassing. There was a panic Inside: immediately we were transported back through time, and were reminded not to dare tell, not to let on that anything strange had occured. With my greatest ability, I walked as best as I was able toward a few steel beams and pressed the hip back into place. I know I haven't got it in quite correctly; it still makes a clicking sound as I walk, but setting it back into place is a two-person job, and there is no one here at the moment to assist me. Aside from the shame and moderate pain, I thought back to the other day, when the scars had been noticed. Is this incident just another black mark against me? Another reason to be seen as a liability? It was not even my fucking fault.
Then, after finishing up my day and having spent two hours at school as well, I see a friend online. He is a pastor, and he counsels us from time to time. After having been so cordial the past few months, he jumps on my case again about integration. That is is the collective-desired goal. According to whom? It is not my goal. It is not Molly's. In fact, it is not really anyone's "goal". The Host is passively interested, and that is the extent of our feelings toward this. Integration is his goal. Another victory, another integration through his counselling. Not fucking likely. It is so incredibly invalidating to hear someone say, "But don't you want to be a part of who you really are? Don't say your name is Logan anymore; that isn't your real name. Your real name is what is on the birth certificate." My existance is just as valid as his, as anyone's. I will continue to use my name, I will continue to live as I choose, and I will continue performing my damn duties, as they were given to me. I feel like a cipher.
The first time the body raped, the body was around four years old. It dislocated the hips, and to this day they will intermittently become dislodged. Today at work, having just stepped down from a ladder, the left hip dislocated. Aside from being terribly painful--unable to walk, stand straight, or move effectively--it was incredibly embarrassing. There was a panic Inside: immediately we were transported back through time, and were reminded not to dare tell, not to let on that anything strange had occured. With my greatest ability, I walked as best as I was able toward a few steel beams and pressed the hip back into place. I know I haven't got it in quite correctly; it still makes a clicking sound as I walk, but setting it back into place is a two-person job, and there is no one here at the moment to assist me. Aside from the shame and moderate pain, I thought back to the other day, when the scars had been noticed. Is this incident just another black mark against me? Another reason to be seen as a liability? It was not even my fucking fault.
Then, after finishing up my day and having spent two hours at school as well, I see a friend online. He is a pastor, and he counsels us from time to time. After having been so cordial the past few months, he jumps on my case again about integration. That is is the collective-desired goal. According to whom? It is not my goal. It is not Molly's. In fact, it is not really anyone's "goal". The Host is passively interested, and that is the extent of our feelings toward this. Integration is his goal. Another victory, another integration through his counselling. Not fucking likely. It is so incredibly invalidating to hear someone say, "But don't you want to be a part of who you really are? Don't say your name is Logan anymore; that isn't your real name. Your real name is what is on the birth certificate." My existance is just as valid as his, as anyone's. I will continue to use my name, I will continue to live as I choose, and I will continue performing my damn duties, as they were given to me. I feel like a cipher.
posted by Logan Nambiet at
7:11 PM
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