A child born, and lost.

He was born on Friday, 26 August at 0900, and died nearly two minutes later. They named him Gabriel Taeyang, the middle name being Korean for "most bright". There is quite a lot to bear right now, a raw and seething pain at the loss. It is nothing like the losses through miscarriage. The loss of this child, who moved and struggled to breathe before his death, is something I cannot form into words.

Inside, we agreed that she must learn to take this, herself. This is her loss moreso than ours, and she will not be able to function in later years without confronting it with her husband, and without us. It is a decision I do not particularly like, and it will take quite a lot for me to uphold my end. However I see the reasoning behind it, and will do as is needed.

Therefore, for the next year, we shall take a leave of this. The first day of school is tomorrow, and I hate leaving her to it on her own, I despise it more than I can say, more than anyone likely knows. I will continue to support her on the other issues she may face, and my support and protection will not waver in regards to the small ones. But as for Bruyère, she and Tannah must deal with the loss of their son. It is not my place. It is not Nambiet's place. As much as I wish it were, this is one thing from which I cannot sheild her.

Until then.

A perfect day.

Despite the news of their child's illness, Bruyère married Tannah at the same church Bruyère's parents were married in fourteen years before. There was a bit of panic immediately preceding the ceremony, as a sudden realization of the massive life-change really hit all of us at the core. But it was a change all agreed upon from the beginning.

The night before the wedding was spent at the Paris Hotel and Casino, Bruyère with her two sisters and mother. As they slept, we stayed awake, Inside, and discussed in length the ramifications of the decision. Some were frightened, others eager. There were many questions asked that really, only Tannah can answer, and so we elected to begin writing publically in a journal, a notebook to which he can contribute if he so chooses. It eased some anxiety. The morning of the ceremony, the females did as females do before such an event: they spent the entire morning surrounded by hairstylists and applying cosmetics. Only a few few Inside found any interest in that. The sister who acted as matron of honor applied all teh cosmetics, as she is rather talented. Although a trifle anxious, all remained composed.

Since before she was legally adopted, Bruyère often dreamed of the day her father would walk her down the aisle, and give her to her husband. It was a bittersweet moment; she felt that she was losing her father in a sense, by taking on a new surname. She felt she was quite literally betraying him. However he reassured her that this was a joyous moment, a blending of families, and that nothing would separate her from him. There are still some issues she has regarding that, I believe, but for the most part her fears were alleviated, and those remaining issues should be discussed at a later time.

The ceremony itself was flawless. The soloist (a friend from high school) sang with the voice on an angel, quite literally, and it moved the entire audience to tears. The pastor wrote a poem detailing the lives of the bride and groom, as well, and recited it aloud; it was rather witty. Candles were lit and no one was frightened, and of that I am proud. What I liked especially were the touches of individuality. Although Bruyère wore her mother's wedding dress, underneath she wore white bridal Converse All-Stars, created by her mother. The women in Tannah's side of the family all wore hanbok, or traditional Korean dresses. The father wore the distinguished clan lapel pin, something worn in Scotland at weddings and other such important events to signify family history. And although the song the bride and groom chose for Bruyère to walk down the aisle with her father was traditional, the song they chose to walk down the aisle as newly married was a techno-pop version of "The Wedding March". Very appropriate. (Originally, she had wanted a piper to play as she walked with her father, to signify pride in her heritage the last day before she married into a new one. However, with the news recieved only days before of the child's illness, it did not come ot pass. A shame, really.)

The reception, of course, was lovely: friends, relatives, all wishing them well. Although she swore to only dance one song with her new husband and one with her father (and no more, she was really rather insistant), Tannah's brother requested that the disc jockey play a specific song she loved as a teenager and directly related to being adopted, and she could not help but to dance with her father again. Those were happy moments. The father also made a surprise request for the sister. There was no room to dance at her wedding the year before, and so the father requested a song for them to dance to, and it was sweet, to watch them. The look of complete contentment on the sister's face was unmistakable. The entire day was flawless for the most part; there was an issue with catering but I will not give it the honor of mention. But speeches were made, families were happy, and together, and there was an air of acceptance, and or approval. It was calming and refreshing, both.

They spent the next three days at the Paris, revelling in their new life together, enjoying the bliss of it. However that is their story to tell, and not mine.

Unexpected and tragic.

Incredibly sad news, here.

It appears the child will not survive the pregnancy. On Sunday this past, the body had vaginal bleeding and pelvic pain, and we reported to the hospital. Upon examination by the emergancy room doctor and then by a maternal-fetal specialist, it appears we have lost the amniotic fluid, and the child is trying very hard to survive in a tiny pocket of the fluid that was left behind. (Dr. Iriye, the specialist, told us this in a blunt and straightforward way, and for that I am most grateful and I hold the highest respect for him as a physician.) This condition was caused, apparently, by a form of thrombophilia: a clotting disorder. This would be the exact opposite of the sister's form of hemophilia, von Willebrand's Disease.

Of course, this child's parents are devastated, but they insist on going through with the wedding ceremony, even though she is on bed-rest. This, so the child will be born of two married parents. They had the choice to induce labor then, during our first hospital stay, but chose not to. They felt it was too like abortion.

Personally, I do not know what to feel about this. Financially, it is better the child not come now. However, in all other cases, this is absolutely heartbreaking.

Trivial arguments.

She can be quite the princess, at times.

Bruyère and her mother cannot seem to get along. I find it somewhat amusing, as it is always over something trivial. With only a week until the ceremony, they are arguing about the rehearsal dinner. It is being planned and paid for by Tannah's father, but our mother says she and the youngest sister cannot attend, as the sister will start her first day of kindergarten the following Monday. Therefore, according to the mother, the youngest sister cannot be awake so late on all nights of the weekend preceding her first day of school. Bruyère, on the other hand, says that is ridiculous, and they can at least make an appearance at teh dinner, as a show of good-will to the hosting family. It escalated to elevated voices and even a screaming curse at one point, and I realized that the Host is under quite a bit of pressure. She was calmed, and proper apologies were made to the mother. All plans were worked out, without incident, and I beleive if we can keep her calm at least until the ceremony, all will go smoothly and perfectly, as a wedding should.

Hectic, now.

That, and the new child, are really all anyone speaks of Inside. Last week we had a rather serious bladder infection, though it was healed with antibiotics soon after. We were quite adamant that the medication given to us would not in the least harm the child, and the idiotic practitioner we consulted said that the body's overall health was more important that that of the child. I wonder why he has chosen to act as a healer, then, if he views life as he does. Nonetheless, the bladder is healed, and aside from the ever-present weariness even still, all is well. And, speaking of medications, we have not taken any of our psychiatric medications since the day before leaving for Europe. We seem to be doing all right, and perhaps we can simply stop them altogether, for ever. There is a chance, I understand, for postpartum depression but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

In twenty days:

Marriage. An odd thought and strange concept to me. Tannah has already made it clear the he accepts all of us, all of Nambiet, though he may not always accept what we do. I can live with that. A truce it is, then.

The wedding dress is lovely; traditional, which is exactly as I would like it. I do not care for these sleeveless wedding dresses women are wearing these days. It looks too informal. Bruyère's has long lace sleeves and a train, as well, and the bodice is intricately beaded. She somehow convinced her mother to make her "Wedding Converse"...white Converse All-Stars with lace and beading, and small white flowers put upon it. I thought it a rather untraditional request, but the body is pregnant, after all, and there is no reason to put the feet into high heels for six hours.

The honeymoon plans were made, as well. We shall stay at the Paris, Las Vegas for a few days, as an homage to their engagement. Things are coming together: the favors, centerpieces and the like, though we are still far behind with an idea for food to be served, or decorations at teh Hall, or anything to that effect. We have confirmed with the pastor officiating, a man I rather like. Many of the invitees have responded, which is helping the plans along nicely. Bruyère, however, become stressed just like her mother, over the silliest things. They have been at one another's throats for a good week now, over nothing, really. Where to buy petticoats for the dress, and what color should be worn by the matron of honor, things of that nature. Bruyère does not want a bachelorette party, as she says she will simply hold a baby shower in October, instead. Tannah is dreading his bachelor party, as he despises "filthy crack whores" in the strip clubs in town. Really, they only decent one I have seen is Sapphire, which is vastly expensive.

We should pay for our school books today and get working on homework; the wedding will coincide closely to the beginning of the school year. All of this is really far more expensive than we realized.