Aimless.

I am feeling odd...not upset or ill or hazy, per se. This is more of a feeling of no direction. I feel restless, a sense of wanderlust. Of course I dare not give into that again, not for a long while.

I feel...almost as if I am on the brink of something momentous. I am trying not to read too much into this, but a similar wave of "je ne sais quoi" has hit us before. I would say it is something akin to a sudden enigma. It happens almost exclusively when something Inside is unlocked, and we are hit with some incredible shred of previously unknown information, something that is to mold us in inexplicably into something greater.

It makes sense now...how could I have been so foolish? The sudden disappearance of so many of the Collective was apparently a way to "clean house", so to speak. It doesn't make it any easier to accept, but at least there was reasoning behind it. I recall the last time this happened: I was so busy taking care of necessary business, I found myself neglecting some of my original duties.

Perhaps this was a blessing, as some have pointed out to me. Perhaps this has freed me from unnecessary obligations. I am now regarding this with anticipation, but no longer dreading it. If this happened, and it did, then it will be as it should be, and--so far--it is.

I have a general idea what this might be regarding, but I shall not worry, and simply let it happen.

Prepped for abandonment.

I feel God is conditioning me for it.

I was not always a Christian. That is a very new development...this January, in fact. The Host had been Christian since the previous August, but I did all in my power to get her/us banned from as many churches as possible. At that time, I believed only in myself. Screaming obscenities during a sermon or sucker-punching a pastor was nothing I was ashamed of...ot then, at least.

We had been raised as Jehovah's Witness until the chronological age of nine. At that time, we were introduced into a strange type of cult...I won't go into details. At age fourteen we became atheist. (I had really always been atheist, but most of us were by age fourteen.) Then we searched: we became Wiccan, Universalist, Quaker; we researched the Therevada sect of Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Zoroastrianism, Taoism, Baha'i and Gnosticism. Some of us chose differently than the rest. I won't go into who celebrated what or why, but I will say that now, even as having identified ourself as Christian, we still acknowledge certain points from other faiths. For instance, we know that the year is 2003 according to the Western calender, 5763 according to the Jewish calender, 160 B.E. according to the Baha'i, 4701 to certain Buddhist Asian nations, and 1424 A.H. for followers of Islam. We celebrate the Shinto holiday of Setsubun-sai, and observe the Jewish High Holy Days. I could go on and on...what would be apparent is that the entier year is filled to the brin with holy days of other faiths, and we like to partake in many of them.

Is that so wrong?

I identify myself as Christian because of my faith, and my belief that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. Of course there is more to it, but I do not believe it is necessary to spell out to everyone the whys and wherefores of my beliefs. I celebrate or observe holy days from other faiths because I feel right in doing so. I am not giving homage to another god or gods. Or goddesses, for that matter.

I keep feeling as if this sudden exodus of so many of the Collective has something to do with this. That I have sinned odiously, and am being punished. I find myself wonder what the point is; why put my trust in God if it is inevitable that I am to be made redundant? An awful thing to say, really. I don't really believe it, I suppose. I just do not know where I am going with this.

I felt content when I was busy: shuffling the young ones around where they needed to be, being mediator in disputes, watching for the perceived ever-present danger lurking in the shadows. I felt we had accomplished so much...truly, we had come a long way from the fragmented, suicidal, death-obsessed tangle of beings shut into this one body. We have rules now; we are cordial and functioning. I can see where perhaps the duties of some Aspects had been fulfilled, and their ongoing presence was no longer necessary. Yet, even this brings a new idea: am I merely a series of duties to be performed? I would like to think otherwise. I have free-will, I make choices regarding my life. I have emotions...some run a little deeper or wilder than others, but they are mine, damn it.

Gone missing.

I am not sure how coherent this post will turn out to be; it is a difficult thing to explain, and I am not sure how many people will be able to relate. That being said, I suppose I shall write this for my own sanity.
Being an Aspect of an Inner Collective grants me certain freedoms. One of these is the ability to step away as it were; to distance myself from the Outside. I did this most recently while the two Irish girls were visiting. I was close enough to handle things if a situation got out of hand, but I wasn't "there" at all times. This arrangement was discussed and agreed upon prior to the girls' arrival.
Sometime during my sabbatical, I returned to find that many, if not the majority, of the others in the Collective had gone missing. At first I found myself in a panic, and now I am merely confused. I haven't any clue as to what occured, or why, and what the significance might be. We have had some integrate before, and some who were dismissed, but none have ever gone missing. This is a truly foreign concept. I am frightened to admit that I do not know what to do. I have failed in the strongest sense of the word.

The worst part is, I feel the tears building: a mixture of deepest sorrow and a moderate amount of helplessness. I not only hate crying...I despise it. At one time, I did not permit anyone in our Collective to do so. We would allow the anger to build, I would then fashion it into a show of violence.

Anger and violence are easier for me to deal with. I used to refer to them as "a man's true form." I felt comfortable in that. I felt strong and worthy if I knew I could really let loose and fuck someone up.

Our Host believes they have integrated, but she isn't sure. She cannot sense it the same way I can. She seems a little flippant, as if this was to be expected, which is not helping the situation. This is understandable, I suppose, due to the fact that she is decidedly pro-integration. However, when one integrates, it is always a feeling of serenity, and the loss is not a sad or anxious one. This, however, is merely a feeling of them not being here, if that makes sense. There have been times, admittedly, when one or two wandered away and I was unable to find them for a few months, or even a few years; even a time when I was sure one had died, and we found him years
later. My perceptions can be fallible, I understand; I suppose it is such a shock to come back and find this happening...so many at once.

I believe that this is the closest sense of mortality that I am capable of feeling, in regards to my own
individual self. I cannot help to think it was my doing that caused them to go missing. Logically, I see that line of reasoning is fallible. However...nothing of this extent has ever happened. What else is happening without my knowledge? I understand that it could be worse. I could be the only one left. I have just under ten in my charge, and that is far better than the alternative.
Is it really possible I may be unconsciously keeping myself surrounded by others who may no longer be necessary? It is something to ponder. The
statement shocked me the first time I truly thought about it, but something struck me; it was a steel-blue wave of shame, almost.

Again, I am not speaking as coherently as I would like.
I am feeling such an immense loss. They cannot have gone for certain. I cannot allow myself to accept that.

What a fucking nightmare.

We are not psychotic.

The father says if we are Many, and have an internal world as well as an external one, is that not a sign of psychosis? My answer to him is that we were not diagnosed as psychotic, we were diagnosed as multiple. He has a difficult time understanding that concept. I harbor no ill-will toward him, as it must be a difficult concept indeed. It is difficult for me to understand the concept of being "One." On the subject of psychosis, I do not know what to say...I do not believe we are psychotic, but isn't it those who are in denial the same ones who are rightly diagnosed as such? There are many types of psychosis...delusions, hallucinations, paranoia...some consider schizophrenia a psychosis. I suppose it is all perception.

A lesson in stupidity.

In all honesty, I try to keep my anger in check. I know that becoming volitile will do nothing to aid in any situation.

However, our Host has been acting out of pure stupidity these past few days...mainly, she does not know how to keep her damn mouth shut. She is becoming entirely too comfortable nestled here behind the computer screen, saying things she ought not discuss.
For instance, her fiance has a cousin who is nearly fifteen years old. Yesterday on Instant Messanger, the Host told this girl details of our past, morbid and graphic things that should not have been said.
Needless to say, this girl became uncomfortable and said she did not want to hear any more, and (of course) the Host suddenly became depressed and felt very sorry for herself. She pleaded with me to fix it...how am I to do that? Lie, and say it was fabricated? The damage was done.

Today, another incident occured. Speaking with a mutual friend of ours, our Host mentioned something about the fiance's friend having acquired Japanese-animation-style pornography. Without getting into details, the Host went on to say innappropriate things to our friend in explanation, who was obviously made uncomfortable by the discussion. Again, the Host pleaded with me to make it right...it boggles the mind.

I am not a servant to do her bidding. She cannot make mistakes and expect me to come behind her to mend it all. Sometimes, I truly feel used. This has gotten worse lately, within the past few months, where she wants me to "take over" as it were so she will not have to go through any unsavory experiences. It is sheer indolence. She does not want to, so she sends me to take care of what she will not. She knows I will feel responsible and act accordingly. What the fuck is the matter with her?

A struggle to maintain.

The flaming sphere of ice has returned. Last evening it was merely a pebble deep in my belly, easy to quell if I concetrated on ignoring it well enough. Yet overnight it has been steadily increasing in volume, until now, when I am left confused and distraught...

The muscles are weak and refuse commands to work as they should. Numb and rebellious, I believe they relish this behavior. I refuse to admit I am encompassed in a silent depression; I shall not allow it. I shall overcome this. I reiterate to myself that emotions cannot be trusted, that stoicism is the safest route...I have become to comfortable in the sudden onslaught of emotion, however, and there is little to hold them back now. My resolve is resolute, and my will strong; can this be enough?

I am not writing as eloguently as I could be. My mind is fogged, my senses dulled. I am so very cold, and I haven't any idea as to what to do; God help me.