Leap-Year Day.

The timing is rather interesting. There is only time for a quick update, so I shall make this as short and succinct as I can.

I felt it first; the heaviness in the air, the penetrating moisture. Somehow I knew. It only occurs once every few years, these violent storms, and it is said to open a bridge. We shall test that theory. I do know that launching an offensive attack is not at all the best idea when it is pouring sheets of rain as if the heavens were a sluice gate to a mighty dam, but our first round of attacks went excellent and I feel rather good about this. Ajnete, ai-bejitei lo Rahkas.

Aujen.

Leah was a traitor as well. Goddamn it. I shall let my interrogators have it out with her. I grow weary of this game. I feel so damn foolish over this betrayal; I should have known, for fuck’s sake.

Quite a few changes, of late.

I have been contemplating this for quite some time, as it was something my strategist discussed with me quite a while ago. I have divided my battalion into four brigades: one led by myself, and three led by each of my three lieutenants. Of course, I will have final say in regards to all four brigades, but I have enough faith in my lieutenants that I am certain they will perform well. Each brigade will have an infantry division and a panzer division, a medic unit, a platoon of scouts and a field marshal. I feel these changes will better my ranks, and will keep us more organized in battles to come.

I read through the Mephisto Accords…it was rather laborious, as it was written in an older, seldom-spoken dialect of Yesuan. I did not trust their translators, so I worked through it myself. Aside from several variants in spelling, the grammar and vocabulary are for the most part unchanged, though I did worry about being unable to understand idioms or whatnot. From what I did understand, I did not feel comfortable with the proposals. It would put a peace treaty into effect, but also grant the Rahkas a partition of land and full freedom to roam.

I do not trust them. I have never trusted them, they have given me no reason to ever do so. They have no sense of honor, no sense of fair play or even of compromise. They are ruthless and without mercy. I could not stand to allow them free reign on my watch. I could never feel safe, and I could never feel as if my small ones—or any Inside—could be safe. This is a war, they are the enemy, and I will not back down from this. I remember that so-called Great Truth…the one that causes dread to bubble within me. Signing a peace treaty would not save us. It could very well destroy us. I am not yet positive in what I will do, but I do know that there is no possibility of the Accords being signed. Not by me, not by anyone in my battalion.

Few options.

I spoke in depth to my tactical officer today. No real good news. Our strategist is still missing and I am trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy. I show a smile for my small ones, I keep myself busy. My heart feels on-edge; I have been fighting the Halo of the Spiral yet again and I know if I surrender to it, I am surrendering all. I do not want to fall so low again. The idea of suicidal ideation frightens me...when it hits me, of course, it has only a calming effect, but beforehand, as now, the very idea chills me. I lose control. My mind slows, my thoughts become incoherent. The last time, I recall, was so bleak I even lost my ability to effectively communicate. In all the apprehension I have in regards to my mortality--due to integration or otherwise--it strikes me as odd that suicidal thoughts would even find their way into my mind. And really, suicide for me, at least, is so very silly. So incredibly foolish. What would it accomplish? How would it help? I know if I were to act upon these fleeting thoughts, the Rahkas would be upon Nambiet in such a very short time. There would be no hope. It would be a shame to fight for so long, and so diligently, only to give up at the cusp of victory. Let us hope victory is in our future, indeed.

Two things.

Firstly, another update of sorts...having lost our training assignment with our previous contractor, we were directed to appear before the Committee to answer for our actions. This occurred today, and I must say for all the stress, it went well. The charge was dismissed entirely. In fact, they thought it amusing that we had even been discharged for that reason. I tend to agree.

And this. I am again confused by emotion. I have said before that I have difficulty understanding and expressing love. The concept itself is foreign to me. And yet, I struggle with the concept nonetheless. My soul is airborne and I know not what to do, what to say. It is very slightly distressing.

Addendum:

The sister is recovering. The surgeon found that her endometriosis has travelled to her liver and that will also need to be addressed surgically. Things seem to be going well with her for now, but going through another surgery so soon can have negative effects.

A quick update:

The sister is in surgery now, and they will be removing the entire fallopian tube. So far, her bleeding has been controlled. In other news, we were granted work with another company...we still must appear before the Committee, however...well, we shall see.

News from the Outside.

Interesting day.

Today, the Host was driving what she calls "the monster truck from Hell" through the parking lot of the jobsite. This truck is indeed monstruous; we could hardly see out of it effectively to drive. After a month of driving this about, today she swerved to avoid another vehicle and crashed into a very heavy-duty stop-sign. It dented the truck's bumper and she was taken to a lab to have a post-accident drug test. Of course we passed. However, we also lost our job...I thought that was to be expected. So we are to see what happens with that. As of now, we are still eligible to work.

Also, we found out that the sister, who is only twenty-two years old, is in the hospital for hemorrhaging. Last month, she found she was with an ectopic pregnancy and was given a shot of chemotherapy to expel it. This entire time, she was bleeding and finally went back to the doctor. She has a bleeding disorder and it is very dangerous. They are debating whether or not to surgically remove the dead fetus; to do so causes a chance of bleeding to death, but to leave it in gives the same problem. We must pray for her.

Rapidly more complicated.

Zephyr told me months ago that the Wars are inevitable unless I find this "great and mystical Truth". With that in mind, a few days ago, several things occurred.

Please be patient; I am a trifle unfocused.

There was another raid. This time, scores more were killed, and I was rendered unconscious and taken "prisoner", as it were. I was taken to see the Commander of the Rahkas forces. I learned there, via epiphany, that:

01. The Wars will never end as long as there are Rahkas;

02. Rahkas are the incarnations of negativity: guilt, fear, hatred, shame, rage, grief...et cetera;

03. Once the negativity is purged, then the Rahkas wil cease to exist;

04. Without Rahkas, the rest Inside (us) will no longer be needed and we will cease to exist;

05. In order to remain, the Rahkas must also remain, meaning that the Wars must continue from time to time.

For me, this sudden epiphany was the shittiest "great Truth" I had ever come upon.

In this, I was offered something called the Mephisto Accords. I rejected them once before...it is basically a truce between the Rahkas and ourselves. I am extremely wary of signing it. Most Inside are positive that the Rahkas are incarnations of the Shadows invoked during rituals. I sense this may be a trick, and yet I do not see much choice.
Right now we are at a cease-fire while I contemplate.

In the meantime, I did not realize the Wars would affect the Host so deeply. She has been unable to keep much food down, she has been abusing caffeine pills and energy drinks--that is a new thing, I really do not know where she got the idea for that--she is dissociating much more often and flashbacking at least hourly, and she is recalling new information of which none of us were previously aware.. I can only assume it is due to the situation, and I do not know how to help her.

A joy relearned.

I forgot how much I thrived on adrenaline. It has been so very long. I stood at dawn this morning, a grin playing upon my lips, seeing the smoke in the distance. My men are fed, and rested. I feel a certain type of joy in this...I wish I had the words. There is such enjoyment in the raw element of battle, something primal and feral. Something with which my soul wishes to identify. Crouching in trenches of freshly-upturned earth, the cool night air refreshing us, firearm gripped tightly as if it were the end-all, be-all of existence itself. I feel good.

Granted, if I had my choice, I would not even be here. Warfare is not my first choice in diversions. However, being that I am forcibly involved as it is, I feel I must make the best of this.

In the days ahead.

Busy. The Host wanted very badly to participate in Setsubun-sai, and after quite a bit of whining I gave in. It is so very close to Imbolc as well; not to mention Groundhog Day, the father's birthday...something else. I am unfocused.

Unsubscribed.

Super-bowl Sunday. American football is not my sport of choice, but I must say if I were forced to choose, I would pick the Patriots. We shall see, I suppose.

I unsubscribed to that mailing list. It was far more difficult than I had initially anticipated. There are dozens subscribed to this list, on whom I have grown to depend in a small way. Such strength and humor exuded; I found it a bright point in my day to check my e-mail account and read through the happenings, good or bad, that had occurred, or were occurring. I miss that. I want desperately to return.

I had joined the forum at first, primarily as a diversion. I knew that Sulekhi had enjoyed it, and after the ban had been imposed, I wanted to maintain contact with the Outside, so to speak. And in that, I forged friendships…something still rather foreign to me. I hope my return is swift.