Erratic.

There is something else, as well: a loss of connection. I have changed, to be honest...in some ways the changes are subtle and in other ways I scarcely recognize myself as the man I once was. I left the BUS forum months ago with a dread and trepidation that kept me awake and alert, if anything else; I was unsure what I would face and yet I was eager to destroy anything that had the poor taste to confront me.

And I did...even moreso, I enjoyed it.

A few months later I re-subscribed. I soon found that I had little energy to post, and even less motivation to respond. I read the posts to the forum, and even formulate responses as I do so...yet, nothing comes of it.

There is a void deep within me. It is not a form of despondency, really, or grief, or rage or loathing. It is more akin to a loss of myself. I feel I have lost the thin and fragile connection I thought I once held to members of that forum and it is no one's fault but my own, I assure you.

I would like to attempt to reconnect. I should like to force myself to respond to that forum's influx of e-mail and, when I am able, I believe it would behoove me to release some of my own thoughts onto the forum, as well. It seems so very long ago that I was able to post almost effortlessly. And now...now I read what I receive and become overwhelmed or uncertain, and instead of trying to overcome, I simply close the browser window. As you can see, it has become that way for this journal, as well.

As I mentioned previously, I have changed. I dare not share in what way; I dare not divulge the evil my soul hides so well. Yet perhaps I can learn to co-exist with my dark-half.

I digress.

I do apologize for my erratic behavior here as of late. I intend to improve on that. In the meantime, I thought it was time I gave an explanation.

Be well, all.

Bourbon and a cigarette.

Both calm me; perhaps not the healthiest way to achieve calm, but it works, nonetheless. I was wound so tightly within myself, and within the situations arising Inside that I completely forgot the need to relax.

Sometimes, taking a step back from a particular situation opens the mind for new ideas. That is what I lack, now. I lack innovation, and I am not certain if that comes from a love of familiarity or an inability to change. I do know, however, that I must learn to adapt, I must learn to compromise. It is the purpose of our (Inner) Parliament, is it not? We must learn to give and take in accordance with our needs and the needs or our counterparts. We, as Nambiet, cannot thrive until we learn cooperation and solidarity.

Sometimes...I hesitate to admit this...I hold steadfast to the comforting idea that I am the only one who knows what is best for our Collective. It feels safer to me to be in control. When others suggest an idea, or dare implement it, I grow agitated. I would like to say that it has nothing to do with my feelings toward percieved ineptitude on their part, but I cannot be certain. Why else would I react so strongly?

There is also the very intense threat--real or imagined--that in relinquishing certain powers I may be made redundant. I am grossly aware of my own mortality, then. I learned last year that I could not possibly take on so much responsibility any longer, and I enlisted Niven's help in the matter of caring for the small ones. He is better suited, really. I must learn to step away. I must learn to trust the judgement of others. I must learn to accept that I am not the Watcher of All, but rather, I am merely One of Many...I have my prescribed duties and I cannot control how and when the sun rises, as much as I would desire to do so.

This may seem trivial to most, but it is a grand revelation to me. One that I have side-stepped a few times, and run from far too often. It is one deserving a moment to ponder. And thusly, I shall go.

They do not listen to reason.

I really do hate to cause issues. I try to work through confrontation, I try to resolve conflict. However, when I repeatedly insist that the Host--and her sister--do not complicate matters by putting themselves in danger, and I am viciously ignored...it incites within me great anger.

I tell them this is a dangerous time. I plead that they keep a low profile. For my efforts I gain only mockery. The Host has begun telling far too many details about the past, and with wild abandon. She uses no discretion. I tried to explain to her my urgency, and she implores me to allow her to purge this, in order to heal. I understand her sentiment but when it involves our safety I cannot back down.

And the sister, she insists on going to see the uncle's court appearance, knowing full-well that there is a chance that she will be recognized. Why? Why would she put herself, and us, in
danger?

I grow weary of trying to protect those who do not wish protection. Really I am not certain why I bother except that it is my duty, and to allow danger to come to the Host is to allow danger to come to the rest Inside.

At any rate, I suppose I have no choice but to continue to try and convince them.

Head trauma.

We sustained quite a bit of damage recently; a brain-injury sustained at the jobsite a few days prior. There was more than enough confusion with which to contend, and no amount of soft words could quell the small ones. I regret to say that the organization of our Parliament has come to a stand-still. Understandably-so. We must conserve our energy to allow the mind to heal. Oddly, and we know not why, it has become difficult to communicate with the Host. We sense one another but the lines of communication have become blurred. I am hoping they will be mended as time continues, however, in the meantime we are only able to speak via e-mail and journaling.

Other than that, we are doing relatively well; I intend to update my journal soon, though I daresay it will be longer in coming than I would like. I suppose it would keep me occupied, at any rate.

Year One, finished.

We took our first-year final exam today, and after three days of little to no sleep, infrequent eating and intense studying, we scored a 93%, which is more or less a "B" at this school. Which means, as of now, we are a second year apprentice, and Monday will reflect a new pay scale to accompany that. Now, for sleep, as we are exhausted.

I hope all is well, friends.

Safety on the job-site.

I am not certain if Safety Awareness Month applies to all workers, but it is very important to those in the construction trades. OSHA tours the job-sites, and there are quite a few meetings to attend, and films to watch.

Today, we had one such meeting. It was in regards to jobsite fatalities, and the statistics were staggering. Over one thousand killed in falls, over 500 killed by electrocution, over 300 killed by crushing and nearly 300 killed by cave-ins or other types of suffocation. This is annually. It was stressed upon all of us to wear fall protection and to never work on live circuits without another electrician present. Certain procedures were reiterated, such as Lock-out/Tag-out, and how to free a worker from a live panel. Soon, the jobsite will be fully energized with permanent power, and it will be harder to turn everything off when something goes wrong. Just last summer an electrician was killed when he forgot to utilize rubber shielding when working in an energized generator. He also failed to use Lock-out/Tag-out. It was the arc-flash that killed him.

It can be sobering, to hear of these things. I work in an exceedingly dangerous trade. People die or are injured daily. No one likes to ponder the statistics, or hear stories of men losing lives or limbs...however, if these stories keep one from being careless, or to a moment's thought into the task at hand, then it is worth it.

Doubt, paranoia: action.

Yes; it has been quite awhile, has it not?

Things were "touch-and-go" for a few weeks, as Niven likes to say. I have my moments, as we all do, or paranoia and doubt. I am affected by the past and the triggers that bring events forth as much as anyone here. I am glad that things have settled Inside to a point that I may once again be an active contributor to this site.

I am not certain why this occurred, exactly. I had been pressuring Bruyère to be more productive in therapy for several weeks, as it is infuriating to see twenty dollars a week go toward an hour of nonsense. And, to my surprise, she listened: Bruyère actually broke new ground, frightening and unlevel ground. I was woefully unprepared.

I had posted in my journal weeks prior of the Shadows; how they watch, listen.

How we were slaves to them.

I digress...

I began seeing them, in both dreams and in my waking moments. I was positive they knew that we were divulging forbidden secrets. I was absolutely certain that, somehow, they would come for us. It kept me in a feral panic-stricken state for most of the time I have been absent. I was non-functioning, and being quite adept at it.

In the meantime, Mjollnir (one of ours who is rather crude, and uncouth) was wreaking havoc. After a few personal attacks I knew I had to take action and, as a result, I have risen from my slough of despondency. Rules Inside were revised, and in some cases, rewritten completely. Hopefully, things will run more smoothly. I believe it was merely that everyone's needs were not being met. We are now in the process of organizing a Parliament of sorts, to work in tandem with the Council here. And, at Siroun's suggestion, we will have one for the small ones as well, called Groupthink, that will be moderated by myself. I am excited at this new challenge that will bring us closer to full cooperation.

That is all for now; be well.