The birthday-rush.

Several in our family have birthdays within a week of ofne another, and not only is it draining on finances but also ob energy, with being right after Christmas and all. But everyone make it through: days abounding with gifts and joy, time spent, and general positive experiences. Most Inside either like the family, or are indifferent, so it causes no ill feelings or instigation during these times. Molly likes them especially, because of the small sister and their dog. The mother, also, acknowledges our presence, and although Molly is shy, she likes to be noticed. At the younger sister's birthday parties, the mother keeps a "goodie-bag" for the small ones to bring home, and it delighted them.

The talk of birthday parties brings to mind the fact that Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate birthdays, or holidays in general. If I recall correctly, this is because, in their belief, we are to honor God, and Jesus, and not one another. However I see this less honoring, and more building-up; are we not to do so? Further, it does say "Honor thy father and mother", so there is it contradicting to me. As for the other holidays, I can see why: Jehovah's Witnesses understand that most of today's Christian holidays (Christmas, Easter, the like) are greatly interwoven with paganism. I see that as well, and we do not celebrate Hallowe'en, and Christmas is celebrated without wreaths, or a red and green color scheme. We do have a tree, yes, but it is simple, as I believe commercialization has altered these holidays, as well. I will offer to hear what any Jehovah's Witness will say about anything above, and I will correct this if I am mistaken.

He has gone missing.

Detective Demas called. The district attorney had accepted the case, and the police department set out to arrest the uncle for questioning, only to find that he apparently has dropped off of the face of the earth. He is no longer at his last known address, he did not appear for his mandatory check-in with his probation officer, he has nothing on his credit report, no bills in his name, and no one who knows where he went. They believe he may be in Mexico, as we have family there.

How the fuck could they lose him? I wonder if he was told, if the Shadows know, if we will be hunted and punished for this. We were told not to talk.

Stumbling Towards Faith.

Renee Altson gave me information regarding her book, "Stumbling Toward Faith", several months prior; I finally read it. I merely wanted to extend our appreciation, as the book was written well and it was definately something that needed to be written. I finished it in one sitting, though reading the utterly dismal situations within, I must admit I was tempted to step away briefly. It must have been exceedingly difficult to write those words, knowing that a great many others would be reading them. To endure as she did and remain stable enough to share her story is incredible. I cannot say I would necessarily have the same level of courage.

It makes me recall when a few men convinced Bruyère that we were demons inhabiting her body. At first I thought it laughable. I toyed with them, I called Christianity a virus and I denounced their God. At one point I even began agreeing with them, "admitting" I was indeed a demon. I thought they were only after me. I believe that physics Inside are not quite the same as physics Outside. In that, I mean that we do not use restrooms and bodies generally disappear once dead. Things of that nature. I remember the first time I demanded that Molly lie, and the first time Rhiannon actually looked to me for guidance.

These exorcists soon tired of dealing with me. They grew weary of my crude remarks and insults. They began to prey on the others. It was always the same line: "Demon, I demand in the name of Jesus you tell me your name." Then, "In the name of Jesus I command you to come out of the body and go back to your pit in Hell." Of course it was amusing to me, but not at all to the small ones, and I can empathize. I insisted they do not reveal their true names, and I even read logs of exorcists and found that most demons are named after sin, such as "Lust", "Suicide", or "Rage". I took a massive list of these and posted it near the Gate so that anyone finding themself in that situation can give an appropriate name. Then, as the pastor commanded them to go, they ran to the saferoom. It seemed to work.

Seth pretended to cause himself to shatter. Jude and Molly formed a "safety team" and called themselves "Sneak". They kept each other safe, as they were too frightened to be alone. I remember the pleading look in Rhiannon's eyes, her trembling hands as she imaged me visciously, "HELP ME".

There was so much chaos. That is when I began to lose my hold. It is when I began my descent. Except that now, I am uncertain that I can fully recover. Things will never return to as they were. There is always that fear, some have a disdain for religion. Even now I close my eyes and wonder.

Returning to life.

We returned to work a few days ago, still heavily medicated. It was almost like living in a fog. I called our psychiatrist and told them it was imperative that we be re-evaluated, so that we can function. I believe it is the Trileptal that causes the fog, though I am not positive.

We lost our journeyman, Doug, in our absence, as he was transfered to a different crew. I liked him, actually; well-spoken, fun, and a man with a true insight into himself. We are now working with Eric, who is young but very experienced. He saw the arms today, and the obvious scars of the attempt, and told us that life is far too important. He said it in a manner that let us know he was not being judgemental. I think I enjoy working with him, as well. And Wayne, our foreman, is being transferred to Caesar's Palace, so we will have a new foreman soon, as well. Much change, of late.

I must admit that the transition from inpatient to outpatient is a difficult one. There is a feeling of vulnerablility, and a sense that the world is unsafe. This is felt especially by the small ones, who actually enjoyed our hospital stay very much. There was art class, gym class, puzzles and coloring books, and we also had "Hipo", the small ones' plush hippo. In fact, I daresay Molly was sad to go. She likes Dr. Bauer, who spent time speaking with her individually, and the experience in general. I do not think she quite understood why we were there.

Quite a way to begin the new year.

On 28 December we were admitted in Montevista Hospital for a suicide attempt. The story of that particular event is complicated and so for now, we will ignore it. At any rate, we spent nearly two weeks under a legal hold, during which we were overmedicated and twice placed on line-of-vision. There were only two worthwhile memories of the time spent there. The first was New Year's Eve, when we were given a "special snack" and allowed to watch the fireworks. Most everyone went to sleep except ourself and a man named Chris. We wished each other a happier new year, and embraced, and it was a bonding moment, even something that basic.

The second was of a man we will simply call Abe, as his daughter is a celebrity and would likely not want his inpatient stay revealed. Abe was an elderly gentleman who had attempted suicide as well, and it was sad to look upon him: a man with such heart, and more stories and wit by which we were entertained. He was very talented in humor, and it made our stay bearable. He made a profound impact on us, as one day Siroun told him some of our history, and how some believed it was our fault, the abuse that occured. He looked straight into the eyes, and said, "You weren't a contender."

It was a turning point, I believe. This man gave us a different perspective and for that we are grateful. Of course there is no way to contact him, except through his daughter, but again; as she is a celebrity I hesitate in contacting her. Though, we would like to thank him, after all.

Alive.

Today was to have been the day. We survived it.