Scarcely noticed.

The night is close, and I think of both the ties to the past and to my near-fatal mistake, and how it ties inexplicably to Piers.. It is best to ignore and to avoid. And yet I must admit that I do not really care one way or another that it comes again. I want to sleep this away.

Crushed.

After a series of broken promises and lack of explanation, I have literally stood Idle and have watched a cherished friendship slowly fall apart. I want desperately to fix this but I am unstable, unreliable. I know this, as I have been told this is a major reason for others having ceased contact. It has not quite deteriorated to that level, but I fear that in my repeated attempts to keep her safe from my secrets I have given her reason not to trust me. I certainly understand I do not deserve her trust, but I was hoping this would be different.

The only way to save this is to be open. Being open involves speaking the truth, and there are quite a few aspects of truth that I would rather not admit to myself, let alone to another. But to be silent is to withhold, and to withold makes me a liar by omission. And yet, I feel quite strongly that to be open so is the quickest way to destroy a relationship. If ever I needed advice, this would be it.

Abstaining, completely.

I doubt that the title of this post is what anyone expects it to mean. I mean that I have abstained from abstinance, I have lost myself completely to the beginnings of my old ways. I recall my post on singletons and the necessity of checks and balances, as it were, in a person. I wish at times I were so equipped.

I am not certain if it is the residual stress giving by the Reformatory, or my own weakness, or the social acceptance Outside, now, of these things in particular, which will remain unnamed. I know only that I had done well for years in abstaining and for the past month, really, I decided I no longer care. Malcolm had a hand in this, but I shall take responsibility for my own actions. In the past week or so I have decided to make a conscious effort to remain calm, to look toward my strength and to what gives me strength but I feel I am losing those who have built me up. Of course this is my doing, but I worry it is so far gone that I cannot mend it.

What I despise the most is that I cannot seem to bring myself out of this. For years, and I keep severing ties, and those I do not sever intentionally are being broken unintentionally. Why I do this I do not know. i just wish I would have the mindfulness to end that behavior, now.

Mild desolation.

We are all weary. No one wants to fight any longer. Therefore, I try to negotiate. The problem remains that as men, we do not want to give anything up; we want the other side to surrender completely, and that will not happen. Further, I have felt for some time that this has become meaningless; I send my small ones away to safety while I make decisions that decide the fate of us all, and for what? They return, still, and nothing has changed. I have spent much time going over negotiations that will never work and truces that will never hold. I fear that I have found myself in a situation with no real solution.

My feelings of loss regarding faith persist, but not in the deep sense I felt originally. There remains only a dull ache, a reminder, and although I do not believe that there is no God, I believe that perhaps He is not for me. Not against me, either, but that perhaps I am inconsequential. It is something I need to speak about with a senior pastor, I believe, but am too afraid of his answer to actually go through with it. A part of me would rather doubt and wonder, than to know for certain and have lost hope.

I have few words. I am told I should not focus this journal on the goings-on of the Host or of Outside but rather of Nambiet. I do try. I find instead that it is easier to do otherwise.

A knotty situation.

An e-mail was accidentally sent from my account to a family member not knowing of our existance. The Host rectified it by claiming I am a friend but now this family member sends me scores of e-mails. I am really uncertain how to handle it except to play the part she designated to me. That, and to change my account's passcode.

Differences in being.

One thing that has always fascinated me is the extreme diffferences in facets of life between singletons and those who are Many. I have spoken in great length with several friends in trying to gain further understanding, however the core of that eludes me. I am able only to imagine.

The idea of a singleton's life is something I find quite odd. I was asked once if I am afraid of singletons, and it is not so much terrifying but unnerving, that one can be left to his own ideas and plans, without any group decision. Inside, every decision I make comes with it a consequence, and I am responsible to those who are affected even in the smallest way. We share a body and cannot use it selfishly. I am made quite aware of what such use could create. I do make my own decisions, as it pertains to my own actions, and yet it is different, to make those same decisions for the body. Sometimes I envision myself as a single One, and the thought is rather desolate. That is as close as I am able to truly understand, and the fact of being One strikes me only as painfully lonely, at all times.

I do crave time to myself, of course, and I do have such moments to enjoy, but that is a different type. I cannot imagine what a singleton might do if alone in a room for extended periods of time. Nor can I imagine such mundane things as grocery shopping. I understand we are all given will-power but some seem to lack any trace of it. How is that controlled?

I am told that there is no way to fully understand without having experienced it, in a similar sense to how singletons may not understand teh full scope of multiplicity. I find that simple to explain and to understand but I am still asked questions on the fundamentals. I do not mind answering, of course, but it has always surprised me to realize, again and again, that the nature of my existance is so vastly misunderstood.